It’s time again to let the readers do the writing of this column. Let’s begin with Chuck Sodergren, who has come to lead the pack of prolific contributors.
He sent along a collection of puns, most of which were new to me — and just when I thought there couldn’t be any more:
The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.
Police were called to the day care center. A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
Now that I have fed the insatiable appetite of pun-lovers, I would like to move forward into a category of humor I label “nonsense.”
Puns are a subcategory of nonsense, I suppose. The difference is that the broader category of nonsense relies on deeper psychological mental exercises. An element of contradiction often is involved.
For example: “Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.”
Whatever isn’t forbidden is required. — Murray Gell-Mann
When it comes to humility, I’m the greatest. — Bullwinkle J. Moose
There's a time and place for spontaneity. — Ken Follett
No generalization is worth a damn, including this one. — Oliver Wendell Holmes
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is. — Chuck Reid
I will not waste chalk. — Bart Simpson, writing on the blackboard
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. — Conrad H. Weisert
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man. — Mark Twain
I made the mistake of paying my Procrastinators Club membership renewal on time — I was penalized an early fee. — Bob Thaves (Frank and Ernest cartoonist)
I often put boiling water in the freezer, then whenever I want boiling water, I simply defrost it. — Gracie Allen
Mike Hall can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.