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'Blended family' holidays don't have to be difficult
Published 11/27/2007 in News : Columns
The holiday season may be challenging for blended families. Unresolved conflict and mixed loyalties can sidetrack what should be a happy time. However, with forethought and creativity, your blended family can enjoy pleasant and enriching holiday celebrations.
In a blended family, at least one adult has a child or children from a former relationship. Custody arrangements may result in the parents building a family around full-time, shared or weekend stepparenting.¬ If you are one of the growing numbers of blended families, consider these suggestions to help you manage the challenges of the holiday season:
Be flexible. Who says your family has to celebrate a given holiday on its official date?¬ Who says all members of your blended family must be together on a particular holiday? If you adopt a flexible mindset, you'll discover many satisfactory ways to celebrate the holidays.¬ For example, in my family, we gather with my mom's extended family to celebrate Christmas on New Year's Day.¬ Creating new ways of celebrating strengthens bonds between family members and creates pleasant memories that are not rooted in the past.
Encourage expression of feelings.¬ Let youngsters, grandparents and others share their feelings. You may not agree with everything, and you may not be able to accommodate everyone's individual preferences, but family members will appreciate being heard.¬ Allow the child whose biological parent is not present to express sadness, regret or guilt. Acknowledging such emotions helps the child learn to deal with these feelings.¬ Reassure the child who will not be with you that he will be missed, but that both of you will be all right.¬ Give him permission to enjoy himself with the parent he visits.
Plan ahead.¬ Discuss options and plan in advance of the holiday. Encourage family members to share their ideas for holiday plans. Deciding how to celebrate the holidays may not be easy, but planning in advance can help you bypass problems.
Sidestep competition.¬ In blended families, parents, stepparents, grandparents and other adults may compete for the time, favor and attention of the children in the family.¬ This competitiveness damages family well-being and creates tension. Realize that competitiveness usually is rooted in jealousy, anger or feelings of personal inadequacy. Focus instead on being the best, most positive person you can be to enjoy your family more.
Avoid over-commitment.¬ Two complete holiday meals with three hours of driving in between is too much for anyone (as I learned on my first Christmas as a newlywed!).¬ This example is one of the ways that families may over-commit during a holiday.¬ Hurry less, worry less. Keep your celebrations manageable and enjoyable.
Enjoy your family's uniqueness.¬ A stepfamily is no better or worse than any other family, but each is unique.¬ Kids will be kids and, adults occasionally will be immature when tired and rushed at holiday time. The idea of perfect families who celebrate perfect holidays is a myth. Appreciate your family as a training ground for love.
Maintain a sense of humor.¬ It is tempting to bring the heaviness of the past into the present at holiday time.¬ Focus instead on having fun. For young and old alike, gloom disperses quickly when someone breaks into a grin or makes a funny comment. Especially during the holiday season, blended family members need permission to let the past stay in the past and to joyfully celebrate the present.
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